time is not

on sunday, between points a and b, i drove past the movie theater. i do not frequent movie theaters terribly often due to a strong preference to lie on my back under a blanket during a movie and also to pause the movie when i need to pee or talk… all of which are discouraged in movie theaters. but i had a memory of a time when sunday afternoons were slow and needed filling. there was so much time, one had to find something to do with it. hence the sunday matinee. it's main purpose was not to take in a film so much as to take up the hours.

it's been a long time since i had hours that needed taking up. i suspect i lose them in small minutes. a few minutes wasted in certain corners of the internet. another few (not) wasted on little cuddles with the pups. leaking pinholes of time. but never a gaping sinkhole of available time to fill at one's leisure.

just yesterday i told patrick i think i would like to have a cold so i could take a day off. he suggested that i just take a day off. but i can't. i don't remember how to sit still. if i was sick, i could maybe just lie down for a few hours and float in the time. i am (unfortunately?) quite healthy. but i'm starting to think i have a pretty unhealthy relationship with time.

but see here… i have a growing to do list (we are most certainly measured by the length of our to do lists, are we not?) and i willfully paused to write these things down. taking time to talk about time. taking a deep breath to wonder why i can no longer pause to just sit and breathe. (even yoga… that ultimate mind-body-inner-peace-retreat has become just one more thing to tick off the to do list.)

which means the remedy is not a thing. but a thought. or rather a changing of thought. but of course, these things take time.

xo. r